This is not a post I particularly want to write, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, and I think not writing about it would be worse. It’s about something that happened to me quite a long time ago, and I’m putting it under a cut, because it’s pretty personal, and it talks about sexual assault. And I’ll be screening all comments, for similar reasons.
There was an incident shortly after I broke up with my first boyfriend. One could describe the incident as rape; I prefer not to, because I think stupidity, selfishness, and a sort of self-centred, optimistic deafness played a greater part in the situation than malice or power, but it’s certainly true that on that occasion he didn’t take no for an answer. Or, to be more accurate, he kept on asking until I couldn’t say anything – I simply couldn’t say yes, because it wasn’t true, but I couldn’t bear to say no, either. I was unable to speak at all. So there was certainly a level of emotional blackmail there, and if I ever have a daughter, I’m going to make damn sure she knows that you don’t need a logical justification for saying no to someone, and that if one no isn’t enough, there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting the hell out. My general naiveté certainly played a large role in the situation. I think he asked if I was alright afterwards. I said I was.
My first boyfriend wasn’t actually a bad person. He was, on the whole, a patient, kindly type, with a pretty good sense of humour. And, you know, he actually thought he was in love with me, which is incredibly attractive when you have always assumed that nobody would ever really like you. I was in love with him, too, and stayed in love with him for months after he broke up with me. We still saw a fair bit of each other, in fact.
After the incident, I didn’t stop being in love with him. I remember quite clearly going home that night and thinking to myself “What was that?”, and then another, colder voice in my brain said “No. I’m not going to think about it.” And I didn’t. I tucked it away in a box somewhere in my mind and for all intents and purposes, it wasn’t there, it had never happened, and I continued being desperately in love with my ex-boyfriend and telling everyone how wonderful he was.
Then, about nine months later, the person I was with at the time made a joke, and all of a sudden, there it was. I remembered everything. It was a fairly big shock, actually. It was still a while before I told anyone about it. I knew that it was my fault. After all, it was really an impressively stupid situation to get into, and I was ashamed of that, even once I accepted that it really wasn’t my responsibility. I was very naive on a lot of levels – it had never occurred to me either that he wouldn’t mean exactly what he said, or that he would imagine that I didn’t mean what I said or that I would change my mind. I don’t think it occurred to him that I wouldn’t…
When I did start to talk to people about what had happened, I got a mix of reactions. I was now living in a new city, so most of the people I knew well had never met my ex. The person I was with at the time said it was rape, pure and simple. I wasn’t really comfortable with that idea. Mostly, people believed me, which was a relief, and didn’t tell me off for being stupid, which was a surprise. I did get odd reactions from a few people, though. A couple of friends didn’t say anything, but made it clear from their reactions that they thought I was doing the embittered ex-girlfriend thing. After all, hadn’t they heard me go on and on and on about how perfect he was and how much I loved him and missed him? And this after the alleged incident! In all honesty, I can’t blame them for their scepticism.
Then I went back to the city where my ex lived, and caught up with a few friends there. One of them asked me something about my ex, and I told him an abridged and more mutually-responsible version of what had happened. He went very quiet, and that was the last conversation I ever had with him. And, shortly afterward, that entire social circle melted out of my life completely.
I didn’t actually notice for a while. As I said, I was living in a new city and had new friends, and while I missed the old social group, I figured that people do lose touch. Though when some of that social group was in town for an intervarsity event, the people I ran into were a little weird around me.
I have no idea what, if anything, was said in that social group about me. Most probably, the friend I’d spoken to just found the whole thing too hard to deal with, and the best way of avoiding thinking about it was avoiding me. But I do wonder occasionally if I became that crazy woman who was spreading horrible rumours about my ex. I mean, I was a little bit crazy around about that time, so again, I’d understand if people assumed that this was the cause, not the result, of that particular story.
And that’s the thing, isn’t it? I can tell the story now, with the benefit of nearly twenty years of hindsight and a lot more maturity and understanding of how people think, and I can sound sane and analytical and logical and entirely believable. But even I can see why people might not have believed me at the time. It was one thing for my new friends to believe me – they knew only me and had no reason to presume I was lying. But mutual friends were a different story. They knew my ex. They knew he wasn’t a bad person. Ergo, they knew I must be… overreacting, say. Not necessarily lying, just a bit unhinged. Unreliable. Someone to avoid. And again, how can I blame them? Nobody wants to believe that someone they’ve been friends with for years would hurt someone else. And if the someone else in question lives elsewhere and has been acting pretty weirdly, all things considered, it’s pretty easy to decide which person is the reliable one and which one is lying.
And maybe they were right.
After all, I did lie. I lied to just about everyone.
I lied to myself, when I told myself nothing had happened, it wasn’t real, I wasn’t going to think about it. I lied to my friends when I kept telling them all that I was in love with him, even though I felt really weird and tense being anywhere near him after the incident. I lied to my ex when I told him everything was alright. I lied to pretty much anyone I said I trusted in the year after that happened. And then I lied even more to myself and others when I thought I was over it and it was all behind me. I mean, yes, it pretty much is these days, but it certainly wasn’t when I first thought it was.
And that’s the problem with this whole meme about women lying about rape. We do – just not in the direction people think. And then we are often so messed up by the whole thing that we don’t sound as though we make sense anyway. I mean, look at me – I didn’t tell anyone about the whole business until a year after it happened. I stayed friends with him for months afterward. I didn’t confront him directly, but instead talked to others, quite elliptically, at least at first. And in between, I alternated between being really hyped up and bouncing around with mad enthusiasm making unwise decisions which really could have worked out badly for me if I hadn’t been very lucky, and hiding in my room and not eating for weeks on end. Oh, and then there was all the ringing of my ex because I missed him and loved him and wanted him to come back. I hate remembering that bit.
Does that sound like someone you’d believe?
(And I very much doubt my ex was behaving in any manner that didn’t seem perfectly sane and sober during this same period.)
I don’t even know where I’m going with this post any more. I think I’ve officially lost control of it. But if you’ve ever wondered why I get so hopping mad when people talk about how women lie about rape and how Julian Assange was obviously set up or any of that other bloody rubbish that the internet is so fond of sharing with us, that’s why.
Sometimes, the reason we look crazy is that crazy things have happened to us.
Sometimes, the only lies we are telling are the ones you want to hear.